Foolishness
by Bob the Flying Monkey
Summary: What happens when the love of your life forgets he loves you? For Squidward, life begins to spiral the moment SpongeBob opens his eyes without his memory of the last few years. Desperate, Squidward turns to the deepest pit of the ocean in search of a cure, leaving his impressionable fiance in the hands of an adultress bent on tearing them apart.
1. I slipped right by

_Disclaimer: I don't own SpongeBob and I certainly never shall._

**A/N: Warning: There is absolutely no canon in this story. My other alter ego was trying to write a spoof, which is why everyone is out-of-character. I tried to salvage the story, and this is the byproduct.**

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The faint beeping of machinery was the first indication to SpongeBob that he was once again in Bikini Bottom Hospital. His eyelids felt like clam shells as he struggled to pry them open. He had been aware for quite some time before he attempted to open his eyes that someone was holding his hand, no doubt Patrick or Sandy would be the one to stay by his side through this mysterious incident. But when the blurriness subsided, he was shocked to find that Squidward was the creature squeezing sympathetically to his frail, yellow hand.

"Squi-Squidward?" SpongeBob groaned, squinting at the blue figure beside him.

Squidward pressed a gentle tentacle to his lips. "Shh. You're safe with me, and I won't let anything hurt you again."

"Where am I? How did I get here?" He attempted to sit up, but Squidward gently pushed him back down.

"Lay. You are in a hospital. You were in a freak airplane accident. It appears that a cargo plane carrying overseas mail crashed while you were out hunting jellyfish and some of the debris violently squashed you. But since you have no cartilage and can regenerate, you will be just fine. However, Mr. Krabs was not so lucky."

"Mr. Krabs! What happened?"

"Mr. Krabs suffered from an outer haul breach and perished violently in the torrents from the engine. It was a tragic loss for everyone."

SpongeBob whimpered. "That's terrible. How is Pearl taking it?"

Squidward shrugged. "She's decided to become a lesbian and moved in with Sandy Cheeks. They're talking about moving to Texas, but Plankton claims that he has entered into negotiations with them about it. I don't know if he could stand to lose her too."

"What does Plankton care about Pearl?"

"Allow me to explain. When Mr. Krabs died, he left a will. He declared Plankton the sole benefactor of all his property and his daughter, in essence giving him legal rights as her guardian. Plankton accepted the responsibility of Pearl, but he didn't want the rest of the property. He gave Pearl the deed to the house, and he gave us the Krusty Krab."

"What?!" SpongeBob exclaimed, "But that doesn't make any sense. Plankton has wanted the Krusty Krab since before we were born. Why would he give it to us?"

"There is more. He had a condition we must meet if we are to accept the restaurant, but it's nothing that we weren't already going to do, so I assured him that we would accept his terms of agreement."

"What's the condition?"

Squidward smiled into SpongeBob's eyes. "We have to get married."

SpongeBob promptly vomited on the other side of his cot, then passed out again. When he came to, all the wires and machines had been removed from the room, and he was alone. A nurse soon came into the room and informed him, "The doctors are releasing you. Your clothes are in that chair. Come to the front desk when you are ready to check out."

SpongeBob slinked out of bed and put on his clothes in a daze. He decided at last that he had been dreaming and quickly left the hospital to find Patrick. Patrick would settle all this nonsense for him. He walked home casually, reassuring himself the whole way that he had had a bad dream and would be fine as soon as he talked to his friends.

As he came down his street, he heard the tell-tale notes of a poorly played clarinet, and sighed in relief that Squidward was in his house practicing his music and not gazing at him in a way that made his skin crawl. "Oh, Patrick!" SpongeBob sang as he knocked on the Star's rock. The rock popped up as usual, but instead of Patrick, there was another starfish glued to the bottom. The female fluttered her eyelids at SpongeBob and purred back, "My husband isn't in at the moment, but you are welcome to wait with me under the safety of my rock for him to get back." She winked suggestively at him.

SpongeBob gulped in distaste. "I'm sorry, but I don't remember Patrick having a wife."

The female laughed seductively at him, peeling herself off the rock and swaying up beside him. "Oh, SpongeBob, you are the cutest thing." Then her smile faded and she looked concerned, "You really don't remember me? You must have suffered brain damage from that awful accident you were in. You don't remember me visiting you while you were in the hospital?"

SpongeBob shook his head. "Sorry, I don't. I don't even remember your name."

"It's Evilene. Evilene Star. Patrick wanted to come by and see you during the month you were in the hospital, but he could never find the time. I, however, visited you at least thrice a week. I wish I had known you were being released. I would have come to escort you home. You poor thing! You must have woken up scared and alone. Perhaps you should come inside so I can explain everything to you."

"I just need to know two things. Can you help me with that?"

Evilene nodded.

"First: Why was I in the hospital?"

"You were in an airplane crash while catching jellyfish with Mr. Krabs."

"Did he die?"

Evilene nodded, her face turning sad. "While you were asleep, Plankton was given custody of Pearl, but she moved in with Sandy and they are now dating. The Krusty Krabs was left to you and Squidward." She sneered at the last name.

SpongeBob broke into a cold sweat as he prepared to ask the next question. "What is Squidward to me?"

Evilene averted her eyes and huffed, "He's your boyfriend. Fiancé, really, because he proposed to you three months ago and you said yes. But you really love me, and we secretly date behind Patrick and Squidward's backs. Our love is more true than what we allow the world to see. Is any of this ringing a bell to you?"

SpongeBob shook his head. "Sorry, no it's not. Are you sure I'm not dreaming?"

Evilene ran her finger down SpongeBob's chest. "Our love is too great to be contained in a dream. You must have amnesia."

SpongeBob clutched his forehead. "I think I need to lie down."

Evilene put a steady arm around his waist. "That's a good idea. I'll prepare you a spot inside. Patrick will understand your instability when he comes home. After all, I am the best doctor this side of the ocean. It is my duty to attend to the sick."

SpongeBob hesitated, not sure if he should trust this woman while he was in such a vulnerable state. But suddenly, Squidward appeared on the sidewalk before them. He rushed to SpongeBob's side and slung a territorial tentacle around his waist. "SpongeBob, darling, what's the matter? I was so worried when I returned to your room and you weren't there. The doctors didn't tell me they were releasing you, even though I asked them to." He shot an accusatory glare at Evilene, who remained tied around his waist. "Let's get you into _our_ house."

"I'll give you some extra support, since I know you aren't strong enough to carry him by yourself, Squidward," Evilene insisted, her tone hostile toward the squid.

"Thank you, Evilene," Squidward spat back in a voice equally as threatening as the woman's. The two carried him through the yards and into the pineapple.

SpongeBob suddenly realized that the clarinet music continued to play from the stone house. "Squidward, who is playing the clarinet in your house?"

Squidward smiled sympathetically at his lover. "Sweetheart, that isn't my house anymore. I sold it when I moved into your house, remember? We agreed that the pineapple was much better for our auras due to the bright color scheme. Are you having memory problems, love?"

"I guess I am. I don't remember anything that anyone has told me." They laid him down on the couch and gave him a wet cloth for his forehead.

Squidward nodded, concern tainting his loving smile. "You should take a nap. You've had a rough day. We'll talk about this when you wake up, and I'll try to help you get adjusted. Evilene, allow me to walk you home." He offered her his arm, and she took it with forced politeness. When the door shut behind them, SpongeBob was painfully aware of their conversation on the other side.

"He's just as much my friend as he is yours," Evilene snapped.

"He's my fiancé, Evilene, and we were friends for many years before that, before you even looked at Bikini Bottom as a possible home. I don't want you talking to him while he's in this impressionable state. You'll fill him with lies about how he really loves you and I'm just a waste of existence."

"Those aren't lies, Squidward. He does love me, but you have your hooks stuck so deep into him that he's afraid to leave you. It sickens me what you do to him. He deserves better than you could offer him."

"Watch your tongue, Evilene. I'm not afraid to tell Patrick about your feelings for SpongeBob, or your lack thereof for your own husband. Don't think that he won't kick you out."

"Tell him! I don't care. If he wants a divorce, I will gladly give it to him. Then SpongeBob will feel less guilty about loving me. And you forget that there are plenty of people I can stay with if Patrick kicks me out. I have better connections in this town than you do. And remember this, Squidward, if nothing else: you can do nothing to keep me away from SpongeBob."

A minute of silence went by before the door creaked open and Squidward reappeared, flustered and agitated. He knelt beside SpongeBob and tried to regain his smile, but his façade broke and he started crying softly. SpongeBob hesitantly wrapped his arms around Squidward's neck and patted his back soothingly. He wrapped his tentacles around SpongeBob in turn and sobbed into his yellow chest.

After a while, when Squidward had calmed down, he whispered, "You heard everything, didn't you?"

"Yes," SpongeBob replied.

Squidward nodded, his eyes swollen and red. "I know this must be tough on you, not remembering anything. But I want you to know that I will stay by your side no matter what. You will get your memory back, I'm sure of it. But I need to know what you do remember before I can help you."

"It might offend you. I don't remember anything good about you. Maybe I'm more messed up than I thought, because it doesn't seem like you could have ever hated me with the way you're treating me now."

Squidward sighed, stroked SpongeBob's face. "No, there was a time when I truly thought I hated you. But it was ages ago, several years in fact. We've been dating for over a year. But we'll talk about it tomorrow, after a good night's sleep." Squidward picked SpongeBob up easily and carried him up the stairs and into the bedroom. He laid him down gently and pulled the sheets over his body. "I'll take the couch since I assume you'd feel uncomfortable with me sleeping next to you." He turned to walk away, but SpongeBob grabbed his hand and stopped him.

"Please stay with me. I don't want to be alone. I don't mind, really. I mean, I trust you, Squidward. You wouldn't lie to me, not about this."

Squidward smiled brightly, "You really mean it?"

SpongeBob smiled, nodded back, "Of course."

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**A/N: If you want me to update, leave a comment and tell me so. Elsewise, this story is cancelled. But I will update if someone wants me to. It's all up to you, readers. The choice is yours.**


	2. Didn't catch your eye

_Disclaimer: I don't know who owns this, so clearly it is not me. If you do know, then you are far too obsessed with SpongeBob and probably shouldn't read this as it will offend you. It offends me, and I wrote it. _

**A/N: This is a shout out to my two reviewers, Sydney and Saints-Fan-12, because you are the reason I am updating this. Hope you enjoy it. BTW, this story is going to be serious from now on.**

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SpongeBob woke up to the smell of his favorite food – jellyfish jelly on toast. He climbed out of bed and tip-toed down the stairs, into the kitchen. Squidward smiled cheerily at him. "Good morning, sleepy head. I'm almost through with breakfast. I talked to Plankton, and he wants us over for lunch with the family. It's Pearl's big coming-out dinner, and we've been asked for our opinions."

"Who will be there?" SpongeBob asked uncertainly.

"Just us, Plankton, Pearl, and Sandy. They also want to help you through your… illness. Things won't be pleasant, but if you remember that we're all a family and that we love each other, I think things will go more smoothly."

SpongeBob ate his food in silence. He looked around the kitchen, and suddenly noticed that something was missing. "Squidward, where is Gary's bowl?"

"Gary… Oh, sweetheart. Gary died last year. He was old and fragile – I'm sorry, I didn't think about it. So much has changed since the limit of your memory. You don't remember when we became best friends. I want to figure out how much time has been blotted from your memory. What is the last thing you remember?"

SpongeBob rolled his eyes back into his head. "It was just a normal day: I was at work as always. You were at the register flipping through an art magazine."

"That helps some. I gave up art two and a half years ago. Go on, what else?"

"Well, I went home after closing as I do every day, walking the same path I always take. Patrick… Patrick was supposed to meet me with the nets so we could go to the field after work, but I don't remember ever going that day. After a certain point, everything goes blurry, and then I woke up in the hospital again."

"Again? You said 'again'. Do you remember the first time you were at the hospital?"

"Well, I went once after I got in a bar fight –"

"After that. Do you remember anything major?"

"Um, I'm not sure. It seems like… I vaguely recall a boating incident."

"You're going to have to be more specific."

"I wasn't driving, and it wasn't a student driver, that much I remember."

Squidward sat stark up in his chair. "Was the boat red with a green stripe?"

SpongeBob nodded. "I think so. I'm remembering… I was walking home, and the boat hit me, and I was laying on the street outside my house and I couldn't move. And then… and then you ran out of your house… that's all I remember before I woke up in the hospital."

"It makes sense. You can't remember anything after the boating incident, and you had a concussion from that, and now you've had another incident where you were seriously injured. Maybe it's connected. Maybe the trauma from this experience caused you to reset to your last trauma – I'm no neurologist, but it sounds plausible. If only there was a specialist I could take you to. I only know one in town, but there's no way I'm taking you there."

"Who is it?" SpongeBob asked.

Squidward frowned. "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. That twit from next door. I don't trust her with your head – she'll mangle your thoughts more than she'll straighten them out. But I bet Patrick knows another, better doctor out of town – he's well-connected with those things."

"That's another thing I don't understand. Patrick used to be my best friend. What happened?"

"Well, he outgrew you. He went on vacation with his uncle on another reef, and when he came back, he no longer liked you, which is how we became friends. You see, you were so distraught when Patrick first left that you moped around for a week. I got tired of your moping, so I asked you to hang out with me. We went to the Bikini Bottom Fair, and we had a pretty good time. So we kept hanging out until the encounters became dates. Then I told you I loved you, and we decided to move in together. This all happened in 18 months. And then Patrick came back, but he wasn't alone.

"Patrick had been exploring the sea with his rich uncle, visiting places we didn't know existed. He was having so much fun that he forgot about Bikini Bottom and the friends he'd left here. By the time he remembered his old home and came back, he had changed, and so had we. At first he was shocked that we were together (I don't think he thought we could really love each other that way since he'd only known me as the bitter man I used to be before you), but then he got over it and accepted us. He moved back into his old house with his new wife, Evilene. And that's when our troubles began," Squidward concluded.

"Why does Evilene like me so much?" SpongeBob asked.

"I think it sprouted from boredom with her own marriage, since it's obvious to everyone that she and Patrick aren't suited for each other and don't really have anything in common. She likes you because you are amazing and beautiful and kind, things she doesn't see in Patrick, I hear. Patrick knows that Evilene doesn't love him – that's why he spends so much time out of the house on other 'errands', but he refuses to end things with Evilene because he doesn't want to be embarrassed."

"Patrick? He never cared about how other people saw him."

"As I said, he changed. You can talk to him yourself – he still likes you as a buddy, but he's always too busy to spend time with you."

SpongeBob mulled over this new information, his toast forgotten and growing cold. Then he asked the question that had been pestering his mind since he'd come home last night. "Squidward, why do you love me?"

Squidward smiled. "Now that's an easy one. You're SpongeBob – my one greatest treasure. You're the sweetest, kindest, happiest, most faithful and understanding sponge in the whole world. It's basically impossible for me not to love you. When I'm with you, I don't feel like I have to impress anyone. I don't feel pressured or guilty or angry. I'm happy, and only you can do that for me." He took his hand and squeezed it affectionately.

"Squidward, I-I know this is hard on you. You've invested so much in me, and I don't remember any of it. I wish I did – I swear to Triton I wish I could remember my love for you. But everything is so confusing – I'm not sure I love you too. But I want to – I want to feel that love you tell me I felt for you – the love you feel for me. But it'll take some time, maybe a lot of time. I just need to know that you're willing to live with me without _loving_ me for a while."

Squidward nodded fervently, tears bustling in his eyes. "I'll do whatever you need as long as you agree to try. I'll even move downstairs and live on the couch until you get your memory back. Whatever you need, I'll give it to you and more."

SpongeBob bit his lip. "Thanks, Squidward. I like the you-now better than the you-then. I really hope I get my memory back."

"You will, because I'll never stop trying to find the cure. I'll even go to the Marianna Trench if I have to."

"The Marianna Trench?"

Squidward nodded, his eyes glazing over as he explained, "It's the deepest part of the ocean, ice cold, completely dark with no morning ever. It's a horrifying place where whales go to die. Very few animals go there, and less than 1% of those who go come back. But if that's where I have to go to retrieve your memory, then I will leave immediately, because that's how much I love you."

"I doubt that place hold the answer, but I'm glad you love me so much."

Squidward cleaned up the dishes, then said, "Alright, go get ready. We have places to go and people to see."

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**A/N: A bit short, but I'm pressed for time. I'll update soon, so don't forget to follow this story.**


	3. But I caught his

_Disclaimer: A sponge by any other name might belong to me. But _SpongeBob _does not._

**A/N: Shout out to CurlyMustache, PrincessofDeath1718, Precious Puppy, katyw, Saints-Fan-12, Sydney, and theRegalBeagle. I took a trip to the beach so that I could write this chapter for you better.**

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Squidward was having a hard time keeping his hands to himself. On any normal day, he and his fiancé would have their arms linked or even wrapped around each other's waists. But with SpongeBob's fragile state of mind, he had to restrain himself for fear that he would push him away at this delicate point in his healing. "Spon, if you feel dizzy, we can always take my boat."

SpongeBob snapped his head around. "What did you call me?"

Squidward knit his eyebrows in confusion. "I called you 'Spon'. What's wrong with that?"

He shook his head carefully. "Nothing; it's just… it seems so intimate, like something I was once called by someone I love, but I don't remember who. I guess it was you, but I'm not sure because I only have this extremely vague feeling of familiarity."

"That's still good. Familiarity is good. Is it okay if I call you that?"

SpongeBob nodded, wringing his hands. "I think it helps. At least I know I loved you before all this."

Squidward sucked in a deep breath, continuing to walk with his arms awkwardly dangling while SpongeBob followed at his side, wringing his hands. They continued on in silence until they stopped in front of a familiar burger joint. "Why are we at the Krusty Krab?" SpongeBob asked.

Squidward looked up at the sign. "I thought it might help if we visited some familiar places. They say that memories can surface from sights and smells, and this place sure has some distinct smells."

SpongeBob chuckled and nudge Squidward with his elbow, eliciting a shallow grin from him. "Alright, lead the way. Take me wherever you need to."

Squidward pulled out a set of keys and unlocked the doors, held one open for the sponge. "The problem is that we've shared too many memories here, and not all of them good. I wish we could dramatize some of our interactions here, but the ones that immediately come to mind are… not suitable for you at this time. You wouldn't agree to them, that's for sure."

SpongeBob shrugged. "Try me."

Squidward laughed bitterly. "No, I don't think I will. Not today. But when you are better – when you have your memories all back – then we can 'rehearse' some of our favorite 'skits'. But you are in no condition to try those today. Let's explore a bit, shall we?" He led him into the restaurant, behind the cashier's desk. "Do you have that feeling like you did before when I called you Spon?"

SpongeBob shuffled around the small space and shook his head. "Nope. It just feels like work, except empty and sad."

Squidward led him into the kitchen, but had no luck there, either. He led him into the supply closet, the meat locker, the back alley – all to no avail. Then finally he took him into Mr. Krabs's office. "Anything?" he asked, disheartened.

SpongeBob looked around the room with slow, steady movements of his eyes, letting them glide over all the familiar structures in the room. But when they landed on Mr. Krabs's rug, they stopped. "Squidward, I don't remember that rug being there from any of my memories, but it seems like I like that rug."

At this, Squidward's face lit up in delighted amusement. "You would focus on the rug. That rug is where we took refuge during the blackout of April this year. Mr. Krabs was out of town on business, and you and I were stuck manning the store alone for a week. One night while we were closing, a freak lightning storm struck and shut off all the power in Bikini Bottom. It was late, and we didn't want to walk home in the dark, so we locked the door from the inside and holed up in Mr. Krabs's office for the night. That rug was where I proposed to you."

"You proposed to me on a rug?" SpongeBob asked incredulously.

Squidward waved his hands emphatically. "It wasn't on purpose. I mean, I had made plans to take you to a nice restaurant and pop the question there, but fate had other plans, I suppose. Let me tell you the whole story: we were sitting on that rug waiting for the power to come back on so we could go home, and it was getting really late. A couple of days before, I had stashed the ring in Mr. Krabs's desk because our house isn't ideal for hiding things, particularly since you live there. Well, in all the pandemonium, I had forgotten to keep you out of the drawer, and you went in looking for something to drink and came out with the ring. So rather than wait to propose at a fancy restaurant, I proposed to you at the Krusty Krab. You didn't seem to mind – in fact, you later told me that it was far more romantic than using a tired cliché. Then we slept on this rug and kept the restaurant closed that entire day, since the power didn't come back on until the next night."

SpongeBob pondered this, stepping up to the rug and examining it further. He stooped down and petted the rug thoughtfully. "I like this rug," he said at last, "There are good memories in this rug. I just wish I could see them." He sat down on the rug and beckoned Squidward silently. Squidward sat down on the rug next to him and scooted as close as he dared. SpongeBob put his hand down on top of Squidward's, but refused to acknowledge the fact. Still, it was enough for Squidward. "What else is on the agenda for today?"

"I thought we'd spend a while here, then go to Plankton's for lunch. There are other places I'd like to take you, but not today. We should start heading to his house now; we don't want to be late." They stood up and headed outside, then down the street towards the Chum Bucket. On their way, Squidward tried to prepare the sponge for what he should expect. "Plankton isn't how you remember him. He's not evil or domineering anymore. Two years ago, he and Eugene – Mr. Krabs – settled their differences over an intense game of badminton. It was brutal; they were at it for hours, each trying to outdo the other, so neither got ahead. They tied at 0 points when they collapsed from exhaustion and couldn't move. They took it as a sign – they were equals and worked better as friends than enemies. So they ended their rivalry and Eugene helped Plankton's restaurant ease into existence, and pretty soon the Chum Bucket became the second most popular restaurant in Bikini Bottom, right under the Krusty Krab. And so they were both happy. This is all to say that Plankton has changed a lot, just as I have."

"Is he still married to that computer?" SpongeBob asked.

"Karen? Yeah, they're still together. She's actually pursuing a career in acting."

"Oh really? How'd that happen?"

"Well, when the Chum Bucket made their first popular commercial, some talent agents saw her in it and thought she was a natural. They've gotten her several appearances in random shows, such as _The Fairly OddParents_. She's not big yet, but she's getting there."

"Has she changed any?" SpongeBob asked, though he didn't know her much to begin with.

"Not at all. She's still as wry and solid as ever. Only thing is, she keeps demanding kids."

"_Kids_? She wants kids? How would that even work?"

Squidward shrugged. "Adoption is a possibility, you know. But Plankton hasn't been willing to give it a try. He was happy to accept Pearl into his family, but he was already a big part of her life, sort of like an uncle. And she's pretty much grown, anyway, so he doesn't have to raise her like he would a child. Well, here we are: the Chum Bucket."

SpongeBob looked up at the massive, metal structure before him, and sighed in relief that it hadn't changed much from what he remembered. The only difference was a parking lot in back and a general sense of homeliness. He wrung his hands as he followed Squidward inside and was greeted by the owner. Plankton shook his hand and led them through the crowded restaurant and into the back room. "Sorry for the noise; lunch is always a busy time for the Chum Bucket. I told Karen we should close early for the day, but she insisted that she could manage by herself while we have a private lunch upstairs. Our employees are afraid of her, so I conceded that she could indeed manage without me for a while. The girls are already waiting for us, and the food is being set out as we speak." He led them up a flight of spiral stairs and into a spacious room that didn't fit at all with the cafeteria downstairs. Instead of wooden floors and steel walls, this room was carpeted and had sophisticated wallpaper and soft, soothing music playing from unseen speakers. At the large, mahogany table in the middle of the room, Pearl and Sandy sat patiently next to each other, their fingers laced and smiles in place.

Squidward pulled out a seat for SpongeBob on the opposite side of the table from the girls, then took the one next to him. Plankton sat at the head of the table. SpongeBob studied Pearl indiscreetly as the food was set down before them. She had grown a lot from what he remembered – not in size, but in attitude and posture. Her features were elegant and mature, not soft and malleable as they had been. Her blonde hair had been chopped off into a pixie cut, highlighting her natural beauty so that SpongeBob could understand why Sandy felt attracted to her. Because of these changes, he found it more agreeable that Sandy was dating her even though she was much older. Then again, his opinion of age was several years outdated, so he would wait for someone else to bring that point up before commenting on it.

"Squidward said you lost some of your memory," Pearl began, and her mature voice hit SpongeBob like a salty sea breeze from the wrong side of the Jetstream. She spooned her food absently as she looked at his plate, not meeting his gaze.

SpongeBob nodded, and replied. "Someone said it was amnesia. From what I know, amnesia usually goes away after a while. If that's the case, I hope that's what I have."

"We've made some progress," Squidward added, "He recognizes some things as important, although he can't remember why. It's not much, but it's a start."

"Starts are good," Plankton agreed, forking a cooked carrot and filling his mouth so he wouldn't say more.

The meal continued in awkward silence until Sandy spoke up at last. "We've decided not to move to Texas, at least for a while. Pearl will become my lab assistant, so we'll stay here until we finish all the projects. After that, we'll see what happens."

Plankton locked eyes with Sandy, and she nodded almost imperceptibly. They returned to their food without another word. When the meal was over, Sandy and Pearl hugged the three men goodbye and returned to the dome.

Squidward pulled Plankton aside and had a brief, private conversation with him while SpongeBob stood just out of earshot. Plankton nodded, and Squidward hugged him gratefully. Then he returned to SpongeBob's side and gave him a brittle smile. "Plankton has agreed to help us get your memory back. He's going to talk to Karen about it, and she'll find the best specialist in the sea. She's very good with locating people. You'll have your memory back in no time."

"Thanks, Squidward. I'm glad I have you to depend on."

"Anything for you. Now let's get home – I've got an idea for helping you remember." Squidward reached out to take SpongeBob's hand, but stopped short and dropped his arm to his side again. SpongeBob didn't notice this as they made their way down the stairs; he had his own hand issues to deal with. Squidward, however, was more perceptive, and as soon as they were alone on the road, asked, "Why do you keep wringing your hands?"

SpongeBob looked at them despondently. "I don't know. It's freaking me out. I feel like they need to be holding something, but I can't figure out what. Maybe it's – but that's silly." He turned to Squidward with pained eyes. "Will you hold my hand? Maybe that'll make it better."

The shock was apparent on Squidward's face, but he answered hastily, "Yes. If that's what you need, yes."

SpongeBob offered him a smile. "Thanks. You're the best, Squi-Squi."

"What-what did you call me?" he coughed out.

SpongeBob looked puzzled. "I guess I called you Squi-Squi, but I didn't do it on purpose. It just kind of slipped out. Are you okay?"

Squidward wiped the tears off his face as he chuckled lightheartedly, "Yeah, I – it's just that I didn't expect that. Not so soon, at least. You startled me. That's what you call me when you're trying to make me cheer up. I always love it when you call me that."

SpongeBob pulled his hand away from his eyes and squeezed it comfortingly. "I will get better, Squidward. I promise." They stared into each other's eyes for a moment more, then SpongeBob turned back to the road. "Let's give those ideas of yours a try. They can't hurt, right?"

* * *

**A/N: More to come soon. I've actually got an outline now, so I should update faster from now on.**


	4. He had my heart At that first kiss

_Disclaimer: Get your sponges out, because this parody of _SpongeBob SquarePants _(which is not mine) is about to make you cry. Maybe. Unless you don't, in which case you can put your sponge away._

**A/N: Okay, so another chapter as promised. Enjoy this psychotic use of my time!**

* * *

SpongeBob and Squidward sat awkwardly on their sofa at home, one's leg vibrating while the other's were crossed. SpongeBob flipped through the channels absent-mindedly while Squidward came up with every scheme imaginable to get his lover's memory back. Neither were paying attention to the tube, and so nearly missed it when a shocking news report flashed on screen. They tuned in to the anchor-fish as he announced some urgent story: "Local Bikini Bottom dwellers got more than they bargained for this afternoon when the annual Reef Fair announced reduced ticket prices for homosexual couples on what employees are calling 'Gay Day' which will be tomorrow.

"Police investigating the suspicious nature of this new twist to the Fair got an eyeful when they walked in on the two co-owners, Fred Mackerel and Ted Bass, kissing in their office when they were alleged to be at their separate homes."

"We're gay!" said Mackerel to reporter Perry in an interview, "We've been hiding it for years, but Ted and I decided that enough was enough, and we're encouraging other same-sex couples to do the same."

"Well, there you having it folks," the anchor-fish concluded, "So if you and your significant other want a fun, low-cost time, the Reef Fair is the place to go. Tomorrow. Not tonight; tomorrow."

SpongeBob clicked the off button and turned to face an ecstatic Squidward, whose grin spread from one ear to the other. "We are going to that fair tomorrow," Squidward said, "End of story." SpongeBob chuckled at the squid and stood to go to the kitchen. Squidward hopped up and followed him. "Where are you going?"

"I was going to fix us some food. I'm not sure which of us usually does the cooking, but I feel like I should be doing it seeing as it's my profession. I'm not saying I don't like your cooking – that toast this morning was excellent. I just feel like I need to cook, you know? Like it's my job."

Squidward nodded. "I understand. You usually do the cooking anyway. I just did it this morning because I wanted to make you feel better by preparing your favorite meal. I know how much you like jellyfish jelly on toast."

"What are you hungry for?" SpongeBob asked, opening the fridge without a clear plan in mind.

"I don't care. Cook what you feel most comfortable with."

"I want to cook something for you. You've been pampering me all day. It's your turn to indulge a little. What do you want?"

Squidward bit his lip, then answered in a higher pitched, cute-kid voice, "Pasta?"

SpongeBob chuckled, pulled the ingredients out of the fridge and cabinets, and set to work on making spaghetti. "I don't remember the last time I made this… Literally." That got a nervous giggle out of the squid, and SpongeBob smiled encouragingly at him, "It's okay to laugh. I meant it to be funny."

"It was, but it's a little soon."

"If this doesn't taste right, I'm sorry. I'm a fry cook, you know, so I'm a little rusty on finer foods."

"It'll be fine. You usually make the spaghetti just how I like it. You're a natural, I think."

When the food was done, SpongeBob scooped a decent helping onto each of their plates and sat down next to his partner. Squidward took a few tentative bites, then dug into the steaming food. "This is really delicious. Are you sure you don't remember how to cook this?"

"It must be more present than I thought. This isn't bad, even by my taste buds. It's not too greasy, is it?"

"Spon, it's just right." He smiled at him close-lipped.

SpongeBob smiled back, "Thanks, Squi-Squi."

* * *

When bedtime rolled around, SpongeBob had a few questions for the frazzled squid. "When will we reopen the Krusty Krab?"

"As soon as you are ready to. I've been waiting for you to say so, since you're the one who cooks all the food and no one in the ocean is as competent as you are behind a spatula."

"I was thinking, say, after we go to the fair. I want to get back to normal life as soon as possible. It'll help me adjust better, I think, if I return to familiar tasks, even though some things have drastically changed."

Squidward nodded. "Mr. Krabs will be missed. But you're right: you need to get back to life as soon as you can, and the Krusty Krab is a major part of your life, of our lives. It's a good place to ease back into the real world. Plus, our customers will be very happy when we announce the reopening tomorrow. Plankton can even ask Karen to get the word out for us – she's very skilled with that sort of thing."

"Then it's settled," SpongeBob declared as he pushed into bed next to his fiancé. He let Squidward get the light, as he had last night. Tonight, however, instead of scooting to the edge of the bed with his back to the man, he laid in the center of his side with his body face up. Squidward mirrored him and laid on his back beside the sponge, almost but not quite touching him. "Good night, Squidward."

"Good night, SpongeBob."

* * *

The next afternoon, SpongeBob and Squidward headed to the Reef Fairgrounds as soon as they'd finished lunch. They bought reduced-price, all-day passes and headed into the crowd of homogeneous couples. "What are we going to ride first, Squidward?"

Squidward gazed up at all the tall, wailing rides and felt like he was shrinking. "Not the Ferris Wheel. It's a much prettier ride at night, when all the lights are brightest and the quiet of being high above the world can be appreciated. So we'll ride that one when it gets dark. For now, let's stick to the fun rides. La Cerveza is the best roller coaster this side of the ocean. I hear you can see your past, present, and future flash before your eyes. Plus, it's the only one they have that goes faster than 30 knots per hour."

SpongeBob bounced in excitement. "A roller coaster! Sounds perfect. Let's go." He grabbed Squidward's hand and flew him into the relatively short line.

* * *

Several hours later, Squidward and SpongeBob were winding down from their long day of fun as the sky grew darker and the crowd grew thinner. They laughed together as they sat down on a bench and relished in the glow of the Ferris Wheel. "This was a lot of fun," SpongeBob said at last, not meeting the squid's eyes, "Thanks for taking me here. My poor feet – they're going to be nubs by the time we get home."

"At least yours can grow back," Squidward replied, and SpongeBob chuckled in amusement. They stared up at the Ferris Wheel in silence. Finally, Squidward turned to SpongeBob, "Want to try the Ferris Wheel now? I think it's dark enough."

SpongeBob nodded. "Sure. I bet the view's amazing. Could we see the pineapple from there?"

Squidward grinned mysteriously. "Let's find out."

They stood together and got in line, got onto the lift, and sat back as the wheel slowly raised them far above the land. Staring off in opposite directions, they noted different things to each other, requesting the attention cheerfully given.

"Oh, look! There's the pineapple," SpongeBob exclaimed, pointing off toward the horizon where they could just barely make out the mustard silhouette of a spikey fruit. Since the pineapple was on SpongeBob's side, Squidward had to lean across his lap to look. Simultaneously, they realized that this was the closest they'd been since SpongeBob's accident. Squidward looked up at SpongeBob as he looked down at him, and their eyes connected, held in place by a magnetic force with the intensity of lightning. They blinked, blinked twice, and each time their gazes reconnected as if never apart. Until SpongeBob shut his eyes. Until SpongeBob lowered his face toward Squidward's. Until SpongeBob pressed his vibrant lips against Squidward's cool-colored ones. And then it sparked, something like a volt of fully-charged life conducted by the connection of two parts made for each other. Squidward physically stopped himself from tensing as SpongeBob's lips melted into his, rubbing against them in soft, sensual brushes that released Squidward from his inhibitions, allowing him to wrap his arms around SpongeBob as he'd been longing to for so long. And surprisingly, SpongeBob allowed it, SpongeBob imitated it, enclosed his body in his thin, yellow arms that sent shivers up and down the squid's spine, and they became engulfed in each other's company.

The unexpected noise of someone clearing her throat frightened the kissing couple apart, and they looked up to see that the ride had stopped and a whole line of people were glaring at them as they waited impatiently for their turn. The squid and the sponge blushed, jumped out of their seats and slinked across the fairgrounds and out of the gate. They walked briskly away from the Reef Fair, not touching, not looking at each other until they were on the opposite side of the road. Until SpongeBob slipped his hand into Squidward's. Until their eyes reconnected, followed by their lips. Until their unbridled passion called the attention of several security guards standing along the fencepost directing traffic. And so they ran, away from the fair, away from the eyes of other people, away from everything until they were completely, truly alone in a familiar field SpongeBob knew by heart but had no care for at the moment. Out of breath, they lay down in the grass, hips touching, fingers laced, eyes staring far beyond the world.

"Squidward, I… I…" SpongeBob struggled, his eyebrows knitting in frustration. "I… you… mine," he said at last, a sigh rushing from his lips like a hurricane. He turned his head, locked eyes with the dainty, blue-framed peeps, and asked, "You know?"

Squidward nodded. "I know." He rolled onto his side, watching as SpongeBob did the same. He gently, unobtrusively caressed the yellow head with his free hand, smoothing the worry-wrinkles from his forehead. "It's okay," he assured softly, "You'll get better. I promise."

SpongeBob scooted across the small gap of grass between them and rested his head against Squidward's chest, taking a shaky breath. After a minute of silence, SpongeBob said, "Our first kiss was on that Ferris Wheel, wasn't it?" But it wasn't really a question – he knew, even without remembering. He knew.

"Yes," Squidward affirmed, stroking his forehead as his eyes glazed over from the precious memory.

"Is that why you wanted to save it for the end?"

"Yes," Squidward confessed, "I thought it would help you remember. I wanted to set up the conditions as similar as I could."

SpongeBob tightened his arms around Squidward's back, only then realizing that he had subconsciously embraced him. "I still don't remember it – not the event. I only remember the emotions – how I felt at the time and how it makes me feel now. And I…" he took a shaky breath, "I like it. I want it. I wish that I could remember - it hurts me that I can't. It's like I'm trying to access a part of my brain that isn't there. And I… and I…" He started sobbing into the squid's chest, tearless, gut-wrenching sorrow that racked his light frame with shudders.

"Spon, don't cry," he shushed in a soothing voice, taking the boy in his arms and hugging him lovingly as he fought back his own tears. "It will be okay. I swear to Triton, I will do anything – _everything_ – to get your memory back. I will go to the ends of the Pacific and come back through the Mariana Trench if I have to. Because I love you. Because I want you to be happy, to remember everything that makes you happy."

SpongeBob looked at Squidward, tears glistening in his perfectly round eyes. "You keep coming back to that – the Mariana Trench. It seems like that should be important, but I can't remember why."

Squidward averted his eyes. "It's not something you knew before, but you deserve to know, and now is as good a time as any for me to tell you." He took a deep, steadying breath. "The Mariana Trench, the reason I fixate on it, it's where my parents died. A long time ago, when I was a child, my parents left me at my grandparents' house to take a business trip with a tour group from their work. Because of the size of their group, they had to take two buses, and my parents ended up in the one that got hijacked by an escaped mental convict. According to the people in the other bus, they veered off the road and made a beeline for the Mariana Trench, where they were devoured by darkness. No one ever saw them again, and no one dared to go after them. But I know they're dead. My grandma could feel it, even before we got the call, and I could feel it too."

They were silent for a long time. Then SpongeBob said, "You really do love me. You would go to the worst place on Earth just to save my memories. And I don't even offer you anything in return."

"But you do," Squidward protested in a hushed voice, "You offer me the only love I know, and that's something I could never repay you for."

SpongeBob shimmied up to his eyelevel. He stared into his eyes, stared into his soul. "You already have."

* * *

When they returned home sometime after midnight, they went straight to the bedroom and prepared for bed in silence. SpongeBob went to the light-switch, saying, "I'll get it tonight. Just lay back and relax. You need to get off your feet." With a grateful smile, he climbed into bed and waited under the covers. SpongeBob hit the lights, then climbed into bed next to his fiancé. As he had the night before, he lay on his back with his face to the ceiling, just as the other was doing.

Saddened by their continued awkwardness, Squidward turned on his side and faced the wall, closed his eyes, and prepared to sleep. But SpongeBob had other plans, and curled himself around Squidward, who jumped at this unexpected action. He turned his head and their eyes reconnected as they had at the fair. "Spon –"

"Hush," SpongeBob whispered, petting the side of his face and placing a light kiss on his forehead. He rested a protective arm over his blue stomach and sighed pleasantly before saying, "Goodnight, Squidward."

Squidward smiled, settled into his pillow. "Goodnight, SpongeBob."

* * *

**A/N: Yes I did.**


	5. But the fairytale

_Disclaimer: Spoof! There it is._

**A/N: Enjoy the show.**

* * *

The glass-shattering bellow of SpongeBob's alarm clock threw the sleeping couple from their bed, tossing them across the room where they landed in the clothes hamper. Squidward shimmied out of the heap and dropped to the floor. Then he grabbed SpongeBob's hand and attempted to pull him to freedom, but instead caused the hamper to fall over, spilling SpongeBob and dirty clothes all across the bedroom floor. They laughed together – rich, deep-in-the-belly laughter that radiated from their hearts and warmed the room around them. Together, they scooped the laundry into the basket and tipped it onto its feet before getting ready for work.

"You sure you're ready for this?" Squidward asked in concern as they stood before the door, about to walk out and go to the Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob nodded, wringing his hands. He looked at Squidward, held a yellow hand out to him, and smiled when his blue lover took it. He turned back and grabbed the helm-handle, and together they headed into the sunlight of a new day.

* * *

By the time lunch rolled around, the Krusty Krab was bustling with people chomping pleasantly on their Krabby Patties. Laughter filled the air and reverberated from the roof, returning the cherished family atmosphere to the patrons of the city-renowned burger joint. SpongeBob dished out the food as if he hadn't missed a day of cooking in his life. Squidward even felt excited enough to flirt a little with his fiancé through the inner window. All was well.

When closing time rolled around, SpongeBob and Squidward saw the dregs of the crowd off before turning the place down for the night. SpongeBob double-checked all the appliances and lights before meeting Squidward at the front door and taking the arm offered to him. Squidward locked the doors and led the sponge back to their house.

"A full day of work," SpongeBob sighed blissfully. "I feel so tired, but the satisfaction is well worth it. How was your day?"

Squidward smiled. "Much like yours. I missed working with you; I'd forgotten how great a team we are. You really didn't seem like you'd left work at all."

"I don't feel like I was gone for long. Then again, I was in a coma for most of that time, so my perspective of time away is much different than yours."

"SpongeBob!" cried a familiar, annoying female voice from the sidewalk in front of their house. Squidward tensed as Evilene Star trampled up to them. He tightened his hold on SpongeBob, but the woman persisted in engulfing his yellow half in a hug.

Disgruntled, SpongeBob shoved her off of him and growled, "What do you want?"

The woman stumbled back as if his irritation had struck her in the chest. She implored him with a wounded voice, "Why are you so angry at me? What have I ever done to you?"

"Don't act so innocent," Squidward spat, "Everyone in Bikini Bottom knows you want to take him from me. Why can't you just leave us alone?"

Her expression hardened. "I'm only trying to save him from your suffocating tentacles. He deserves to know the truth about our relationship."

"There is no truth to your claims, Evilene," Squidward retorted, "SpongeBob never loved you. He's always been faithful to me, and he doesn't need his memory to know that."

"But I did," announced a man from the shadows. Patrick stepped into the dim spotlight of the street lamp, a weary sag in his stern face.

"Patrick," Evilene cried, her cheeks flushing with her guilt. "I was just –"

"No need to defend yourself, Evilene. I know everything. I have watched you quite closely, even when I wasn't around. I finally have the evidence I needed to do this." Without another word of explanation, he handed her a manila envelope.

The three men watched as she opened it, gasped, and dropped it. "Patrick, you can't –"

"Yes I can. The hearing is scheduled for next Monday at the courthouse where we were married. I suggest you pack your things and reserve a hotel room." With that, Patrick got into his Hustler 41 Razor and zoomed down the road, leaving his soon-to-be ex-wife coughing in his dust.

The men were at a loss for words, but knew exactly what to do. Hand in hand, they returned to their home, locked the door, and went to sleep.

* * *

It was Saturday morning, which meant the Krusty Krab didn't open until noon. Entirely aware of this, SpongeBob and Squidward awoke at 9 but remained in bed together.

"I can't believe we'll finally be rid of that terrible woman," Squidward declared as he cuddled his fiancé.

"I want to know what Patrick meant," SpongeBob replied, "About watching her without being around her. Do you think he had a spy?"

"He certainly has the money for a spy. That'll be the one thing Evilene will miss about Patrick – his vast wealth. But money can't buy you love."

"It's more likely to buy you dissent."

Squidward brushed his lips against SpongeBob's forehead, lingering for a moment between his eyes. "We have until 12 to fool around. What would you like to do?"

SpongeBob opened his mouth to answer, but at that moment the doorbell rang. Groaning, they pulled apart and slipped out of bed. Dressed in only their underwear, the couple stomped down the stairs and answered the front door. A fish in a brown suit stood on their doorstep, face reserved and dark.

"My employer forgot to give you this before going out of town," the fish explained vaguely, handing them a large envelope before returning to his boat.

SpongeBob opened the package as the sounds of the fish's motor faded. Squidward peered at the mysterious papers over the sponge's shoulder. The first sheet was a letter:

_SpongeBob,_

_ You must be wondering what happened to your memories. If you haven't had a doctor check your brain yet, allow me to show you myself. I have included pictures as evidence of my claims which you should look at before you continue reading this letter. They will clear things up for you._

SpongeBob dumped the remaining contents of the envelope onto an end table and picked up the stack of pictures clipped together. He set the other papers down and spread the photos out on top of them, gasping in sync with Squidward as their eyes examined the photos. Documented before them were pictures of an open skull displaying the brain of a certain yellow fellow. Only instead of something expected like contusions or shrapnel, this brain had had a distinct portion of its frontal lobe sheared off. At the bottom of the final photo, a little note scrawled in red ink instructed, "Return to letter."

With shaky hands, Squidward picked up the letter and continued reading:

"_Allow me to explain myself: I was suspicious that you were sleeping with Evilene. With work taking up most of my time and paranoia hindering me from hiring a PI or just asking you, I called a colleague from medical school. He advised me to cut out the part of your brain where your more-recent memories were stored and send it to an esteemed doctor he knew who resides in the Mariana Trench. After waiting for weeks, he finally sent me a play-by-play of your memories of Evilene since she moved into Bikini Bottom, which gave me the evidence I need to divorce that witch. I apologize for invading your privacy, but this was the only way I could know. I have included the address of the doctor who has your missing frontal lobe section, along with instructions on how to reattach it to the rest of your brain. However, I cannot go to the Mariana Trench myself to retrieve your brain, as it is too perilous. Also, I do not plan to return to Bikini Bottom after the divorce is finalized. Consider this my good bye. Enjoy your life with Squidward._

_Patrick Star"_

Squidward crumpled the paper in his fist. "That spineless bass turd."

SpongeBob gripped the side of his head as if he could feel the severed tissue crying out for its lost brethren. "He… he cut my memories out. How could he do that?"

"I don't know."

"He said they gave him the evidence he needed. Does that mean…?"

Squidward's face grew very grave, paling to a point of near-white. "Surely it can't. I mean, you loved me."

"I still love you," SpongeBob corrected, reaching a trembling hand out to him, but falling short as the gap between them expanded. "Squidward, I… I don't remember –"

"I know you don't," he interrupted, turning toward the door.

"No listen!" SpongeBob demanded fiercely, sealing Squidward's wrist in the cage of his fingers. "I'm trying to tell you; I don't remember, but I _know_ that I would never do anything to hurt you, would never touch that woman!"

"I know, SpongeBob."

"Do you? Because I can see the doubt in your eyes. I've known you for too long to be tricked by your false assurances."

Squidward stared at him for a long time, searching SpongeBob's eyes for answers. But there were none, for no matter how vehemently SpongeBob argued his case, no matter how deeply Squidward trusted that SpongeBob's feelings were true, no matter how beautifully they loved each other and were made for each other, neither of them could know whether SpongeBob had been faithful until they got his stolen memories back. Like sand through a grate, Squidward's arm fell from his grasp, and he turned back to the front, grabbed his keys, and opened the door.

Behind him, SpongeBob began to cry. "Where are you going?"

Without facing him, he replied, "To get your brain back." Then he was gone.

* * *

**P.S.: In case you were confused, this is a legitamate story. I know it says spoof - what I mean is fanfiction. I am sorry for any confusion.**


	6. Would have to fail

_Disclaimer: I do not own _SpongeBob SquarePants_. Also, I must not tell lies._

**A/N: And the next chapter starts… now.**

* * *

SpongeBob was having a hard time moving from his slumped-over position on the floor, his hand fused to his forehead in a way that any onlooker could not have distinguished where one section ended and the other began. _I have to get up_, he told himself, _I have to go to work so I don't disappoint even more people I care for._ Still, his body remained curled in on itself, his eyes glazing over as the minutes passed quickly by.

Finally, there was a knock on the door, a knock which persisted until its creator realized no one was going to answer and thrust open the door anyway. "SpongeBob, I…" Evilene began, trailing off as her eyes fell upon his withered body. She dropped to her knees beside him, placed a hand on his shoulder.

This snapped SpongeBob out of his stupor, and he jerked upright, out of her reach. "Get away from me!" he snarled, "You're the reason he left me. You're the reason I can never be happy! Why do you hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you –"

"Yes you do! If you didn't, you wouldn't be here, screwing up my life and my relationship with the man I love. You'd be minding your own business, being faithful to Patrick, who would still be my best friend. You and I might have even been friends. But you can't let me alone. You can't respect my wishes. And so I can't love you." He shot to his feet and out the door.

It wasn't until SpongeBob arrived at the Krusty Krab that he realized he was only wearing underwear. He cursed under his breathed and prayed that there might be a change of clothes inside. Then he realized he didn't have his keys either, and stomped back to his house. Luckily, there weren't many people on the streets yet. When he arrived at the pineapple, he slammed the open door shut behind him, locking it to keep any unwelcomed guests out. But Evilene was still inside, holding up one of his outfits and his ring of keys.

"I thought you might need these," she explained, "I was on my way to the Krusty Krab to bring them to you."

SpongeBob scowled, but accepted them grudgingly. "Don't you ever give up? Surely you realize there is no way –"

"I'm not after you, SpongeBob," Evilene snapped, "Not anymore. I get that you hate me. I get that there is no way in hell you'll ever love me. I get it. But that doesn't mean I can't support you in your time of need, even though it means relinquishing you to _him_ once and for all. I love you, SpongeBob, and if you're sure that Squidward is the one person who could make you happy, I'll do everything in my power to help you keep him. I just want what's best for you."

SpongeBob studied her face. "What's the catch? There's something you're not telling me."

Evilene groaned. "Why can't you just accept the fact that I'm trying to put your feelings first? Why do you insist on making me the bad guy?"

"Because you are the bad guy, _Evilene_! You've been trying to split Squidward and me up for longer than I can remember. And the worst part about it is that I don't know if I would have allowed you to had I not lost my memories a month ago. The only people who would know are you and Patrick and that doctor he sent my brain to in the Mariana Trench."

Evilene started. "What?" she spluttered.

SpongeBob tugged his clothes on. He scowled as he answered, "Your husband thought you were cheating on him with me, so he cut out the part of my brain that has my recent memories in it and sent it to a doctor in the Mariana Trench who can read the memories from my brain. He sent Patrick a play-by-play of my memories, which – according to him – gave him the evidence he needed to divorce you. So now Squidward has gone off to get them back, and he's probably going to die." SpongeBob covered his face as he choked out the last word. He sank unsteadily into the couch, curling in on himself as he had been when Evilene found him.

Evilene knelt on the floor in front of him, offering him a tissue and her reassuring voice. "He won't die, SpongeBob. He loves you too much to abandon you like that. If there's one redeeming fact about _Squidward_ –" she growled in distaste, "– it's that he's too stubborn to let go of something he cherishes. And the only thing he cares about anymore is you." She frowned at her own words, but knew they were the only way to calm the sponge.

SpongeBob quieted, blew his nose on the tissue she'd given him. Without facing her, he asked in a shaky voice, "Just tell me one thing, Evilene: Did I ever cheat on Squidward?"

* * *

It was at the edge of the cliff of the Mariana Trench that Squidward started to get cold feet. He peered out of the driver's side window down into the dark abyss before him, shivering while a cold sweat drizzled down his face. He took several deep breaths, shifted gears, and eased the boat down the 70 degree decline into the Mariana Trench. He clutched the steering wheel like a safety line as he battled the panic threatening to overwhelm him. It didn't help that, even with his brights on, his headlights barely penetrated the gloomy doom of eternal night in the pit into which he was willingly driving.

_This is insane!_ he scolded himself, _Insane! You can't seriously be driving into the Mariana Trench. You're going to die, just like your parents._

"Shut up," he growled aloud, easing his foot ever so slightly off the brake, his speed increasing dramatically as he barreled down the hill, but he did not retract, forced himself to let the boat gain speed until finally he was on level ground again. By now, the darkness had swallowed him, body and mind, and he wished in vain that this boat had come with a top. At least the heater worked, and he turned it on full-blast, though it did nothing to the cold that really cut him, the cold in his veins.

He clicked on the overhead light and smoothed out the directions before him. Then when he was thoroughly satisfied that he had utterly memorized the map, he took off as fast as he could down the only road into town.

* * *

The doctor's house was not hard to find – there were very few streets branching off of the main road, and the handful that did were merely colossal driveways that stretched far beyond the limit of the scant streetlights. Luckily for Squidward, the doctor lived right on Main Street. Unfortunately, Main Street was very long, very dark, and very terrifying. Squidward was half way to the doctor's house when he realized his foot had had the pedal pressed to the floor for over 20 minutes. Dread began to creep up on him as he considered the possibility of his boat breaking down, or perhaps running out of gas. His eyes flitted to the gas gauge, and his heart fluttered in relief when he saw he still had three-quarters of a tank left. He'd filled up at the gas station closest to the trench, the last gas station he would see until he reemerged. He hadn't told the attendee where he was going, only that he needed the two petroleum cartons he'd brought along filled as well.

When he saw the cottage-like hospital at last, Squidward eased off the pedal, allowing himself to pass the hospital. Then when he had slowed, he made an illegal U-turn in the road and returned to the hospital at a reasonable speed. He pulled into the driveway, noting that the parking lot was only big enough for eight boats, leaving room for six more boats aside from his own. He sighed in relief, thinking he would be the only visitor while the doctor was in. He jumped out of the boat, sprinted in through the front door, and stood awkwardly in the bright fluorescents of the forsaken waiting room. He looked around, confirming his initial conclusion that there was not a soul in sight. He slinked up to the empty desk, checked the room again, and cautiously dinged the bronze bell. The high-pitched sound reverberated through the blazing white halls of the hospital. He listened, his ears like bats' in the silence.

Nothing. Not a sound, not a movement. Squidward realized it was pointless to wait; no one was coming. He turned around, his shoulders slumped, and made for the door when a fish finally appeared. No, not a fish; another cephalopod, a cuttlefish, in fact. The big, looming cuttlefish cleared his throat, startling the jittery squid, who turned on him with huge, distraught eyes. But he recovered quickly, and beseeched the cuttlefish, "Are you the doctor friend of Patrick Star?"

The cuttlefish gave no indication of emotion, and answered with a deep, resonating voice, "I am."

The squid immediately went into hysterics, falling at the doctor's feet and sobbing out the words, "Thank you," over and over again, almost like a prayer.

The doctor looked down the hallway where a radiant nudibranch (sea slug) had appeared at the sudden sound of their newest client. He motioned for her, saying, "Nurse, help me get this squid into my office. We have much to discuss."

* * *

**A/N: I know Squidward is supposed to be an octopus, but that's too difficult to work with.**


	7. And so you fished

_Disclaimer: Were I the owner of SpongeBob, I would now be quite rich. But alas, poor rhetoric, I am not._

**A/N: Lucky you: I gave up on writing my other story so that I could update this one. I hope you find it to your liking.**

* * *

SpongeBob sat next to Evilene on his couch, tapping his foot faster than sea-creaturely possible. Eventually, it became too much for the star, and she slammed her hand down on his knee. "SpongeBob, you're going to wear a hole in the floor if you don't stop. You have to relax; he's coming back."

SpongeBob jumped to his feet and began pacing the length of the room. "I can't relax. He's not back yet, and it's almost midnight. I don't know where he is. I don't know if he made it or if he's still traveling or if he got lost and eaten. I don't even know which way to go if I were to follow him. I am utterly and completely helpless. At least when I lost my memory, Squidward was there to fill in the gaps. But no one has the answers now. No one." He plopped down next to the star and buried his face in his hands again.

Evilene placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I don't have the answers, but say the word and I will give you anything else. If you need a hug or a shoulder to cry on, I'm right here."

SpongeBob tensed, but did not shrug her off this time. However, Evilene was perceptive of social cues and removed herself from him. He clasped his hands before him. "Why me?" he asked, "Why did it have to be me you liked?"

Evilene sighed. "You're you, SpongeBob. I don't know how else to put it. You're amazing and kind and fun to be with. If it hadn't been for you, I would've been miserable for the last year and a half that I lived here. I mean, these days it seems I'm always miserable, but that's because you stopped being with me." Now it was her turn to stand and pace. "It's not something I can help, SpongeBob. It's not something that I decided to do one day because I was bored. We'd been friends since we first met, and it took me some time to build up stronger feelings for you. But if you had shut me down from the beginning, I wouldn't be having this conversation with you right now."

SpongeBob rose to his feet, gripped the woman by the shoulders. With a ferocity gleaming in his eyes, he demanded, "Are you sure we had something? I mean, more than just vague flirting; we really were serious with this affair? Would you swear to me?"

Evilene nodded fervently. "I swear it, SpongeBob. I wouldn't lie to you, not when it could end my marriage without benefitting me any other way. You'll know I'm telling the truth when he returns with your memories, but I suspect that won't change your mind."

SpongeBob released her, turned face to the kitchen. "You're right. I'll still love Squidward, still want to be with him alone. But if I know anything about my fiancé, he'll have looked at my memories beforehand and know what we've done. It'll be up to him to forgive me or not. But either way, I will dedicate my life to making it right. I will do whatever it takes to prove to him that I'm repentant and that I love him more than anything else. You have to understand – surely you must – that Squidward is my true love. I don't know how I could have cheated on him, but I know that I was wrong. I know I have to make it right. And if I know my fiancé, I know he'll give me the chance. Because he loves me that much. Because I love him more than anything."

Evilene bit back her tears. Through trembling lips, she managed to whisper, "I respect that, and I won't bother you anymore. Once he's back, I'll leave town and never return. But I'll stay with you as long as you need me. I love you SpongeBob, but if you need me to, I'll let you go."

She tugged on his sleeve, and he turned toward her, stared into her quivering eyes. She looked so weak, so fragile – just like he felt. In some forsaken corner of his mind, he pondered if two people who were so hopelessly lost could possibly build a relationship on their mutual shortcomings. He smoothed her hair out of her face, but the motion felt forced, unnatural, and he pulled out of her grasp. "No," he said firmly, "Squidward or no, I cannot love you. It doesn't feel right; my heart belongs to him."

Evilene bit her lip and turned toward the door. She paused with her hand on the doorknob. "Call me if you hear from him. I respect you enough to not put you in a position by sleeping in your house tonight." Then she was gone.

* * *

SpongeBob was in torment that night. Every waking moment was filled with anxiety over his predicament. Every unconscious dream was a nightmare about Squidward's fate. He tossed and turned in his overbearingly large bed as the guilt and foreboding racked his conscience. When he felt he could bare it no longer, he worked up the nerve to down a few sleeping pills and force himself into sleep.

Had it not been for the fact that he'd forgotten to shut off his alarm clock, SpongeBob might not have awaken in time to hear the phone ring. But when he did hear its shrill call penetrate the blare of his alarm, he shot out of bed without hitting snooze and slammed the receiver to his ear just as the call was about to give up. "Hello?" he demanded.

"SpongeBob?" asked a familiar voice.

The sigh of relief that tunneled through the sponge's lips could have started a hurricane. "Squidward, thank Neptune. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, sweetie. I found the doctor and he's preparing your brain now. I had to stay the night, but I should be back…" the rest of the message was lost.

SpongeBob plugged his open ear. "It's so hard to hear you. When did you say you were coming back?"

"Tonight. He showed me how to reattach your brain, so you'll have your memories back in…"

SpongeBob cursed inwardly at the poor quality. "Did you watch the play-by-plays?"

Silence on the other end. SpongeBob couldn't determine if it was due to the bad reception or the even worse alternative. Gathering up his courage, he repeated the question.

"Yes," Squidward's static encased voice replied, masking whatever tone he might have had. But before any more words could be exchanged, the telephone beeped, signifying the call was lost.

SpongeBob roared with anger and slammed the mouthpiece down on its niche. Fuming, he stomped into the kitchen and prepared breakfast. When he had calmed himself enough, he called Evilene and told her the news. She seemed surprised, but supportive. She got off the phone with a promise to see him later that day.

SpongeBob cleaned up the house in preparation for his fiancé's return. He showered and lathered smell-good onto himself and did everything he thought might butter up the squid he would spend the rest of his life apologizing to. Then, thoroughly exhausted, he laid down on the bed for a quick nap and fell fast asleep.

* * *

Under her rock, Evilene began to plot. She couldn't allow Squidward to return, not if she wanted to keep SpongeBob. She knew in her heart that if she could just break the bond between the two of them, she could get SpongeBob to eventually accept her love above all others. But she also knew that, as long as he was alive, Squidward would always outrank her in SpongeBob's heart. And so she reasoned getting rid of him would be the only thing she could do to win the sponge's love.

With more determination than she'd ever mustered before, Evilene called on a friend she'd known from her old life, her life before money. "Big Cuda. It's Evilene. Remember that favor you owe me?"

* * *

The harsh shrieking of the telephone awoke SpongeBob for the second time that day, and he picked it up with hope strong in his voice. "Squidward?"

"No, it's me."

"Evilene. What time is it?"

"A quarter til five. Turn on the news. There's something you need to see."

SpongeBob paled at the urgency in her voice. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"I don't know. I'll be over in a second, okay?"

SpongeBob clicked on the tube, which showed an aerial view of a pillar of smoke rising from the depths of a fathomless abyss. He turned up the volume as the newscaster explained, "While the details are still unclear, it appears that a boat careened off the cliff of the Mariana Trench and tumbled to the sea bed below. Authorities were hesitant to investigate at first, but a team of specialists has been assembled and is on its way to unravel this mystery."

SpongeBob's stomach plummeted, and he dropped the phone. He stooped over, gripping the couch for support and dry-heaving as the fish continued with the story. At that moment, Evilene burst through the door and rushed to his side. "You need to sit down. Let me get you something to drink." She helped him take a seat and flitted into the kitchen, reappearing moments later. She pushed the cup into his hand and sat down beside him, enraptured by the screen.

"Still no word of who the driver was or what kind of boat they were driving, but witnesses have confirmed that the boat was going too fast as it came out of the trench and hit the angle of ascent wrong, causing it to roll back down the hill. The police have assured us a full story once they discover all the details, which will take several hours. We will reveal the rest tonight during our 11 o'clock show." The scene cut to commercial, and Evilene clicked off the tube.

SpongeBob stared at the screen blankly, shut down like the machine that had destroyed his life. His hands, their wringing halted, hung like fishing weights between his knees. His skin, once vibrant, faded to a sickly yellow and sagged in the gloom of his destitute house.

"SpongeBob," Evilene said, shaking his shoulder. "SpongeBob, it wasn't him. He would have left earlier. It couldn't be him."

"It was him," SpongeBob mumbled.

"You can't know that. He's probably on his way now. You'll see; he'll show up tonight, and you'll hug and kiss, and this will all be a memory."

SpongeBob cut a glare across her neck. "But it was him, Evilene. It had to be him. Who else would be leaving the Mariana Trench?"

Evilene squirmed under the pressure of his glare. Finally, she said, "We'll find out tonight, at eleven. The news will report its findings, and Squidward will walk in the door as we're rejoicing that it wasn't him. You'll see."

SpongeBob swallowed back his terror and nodded submissively. "Okay. We'll wait until then. But right now, I need to be alone."

Evilene squeezed his hand before standing. "I'll come back around 10:30. But if Squidward comes home before then, call me and let me know. Promise me that, okay?"

"Okay. I'll see you later, Evilene." When she had shut the door behind her, he slumped over, curled up on the couch, and lay in a trance-like state until the starfish returned.

* * *

"News at eleven," the urgent title sequence announced. Cut to the anchor-fish. "As promised from our afternoon segment, we have the rest of the details about the mysterious boat incident that took place at the edge of the Mariana Trench earlier today. We take you now to our reporter in the field, Coral Moonscales."

A shiny, red fish stared back at the camera, a microphone held below her grim lips. "Behind me is the wreckage of the boat that tumbled down the slope of the Mariana Trench earlier this evening. As you can see, there is not much left, but police were able to determine the make and model of the boat, displayed at the bottom of your screen." The information appeared as she dictated.

"That's Squidward's vehicle," SpongeBob declared, his face deteriorating the more they watched.

"It's a very common boat, dear. There are at least twenty of them in Bikini Bottom."

"Nineteen now," he replied morbidly.

The reporter continued, "Further investigation revealed that the boat belonged to a resident of Bikini Bottom. This was discovered by means of the license plate. However, due to the state of this plate, we cannot determine the exact identity of the owner. The squad sent into the abyss has not yet found the body of the victim. They did, however, find blood on and around the remains of the boat. It is still unclear how this incident occurred, but local authorities claim there is reason to suspect foul play. A closer look at the vehicle provided evidence of tampering with crucial mechanisms that may have caused extreme acceleration and thus the crash. If anyone has information about the crash or the identity of the driver, please contact the news station." A number flashed at the bottom of the screen. "Back to you, Mac."

SpongeBob clicked off the television, submerging the living room in darkness. Evilene sat beside him, her hand pressed to his quivering shoulder. "Sponge…"

"Go," he breathed, his whole body trembling. "Now. Please. I need to be alone."

"Call me if you need me. I'll come as soon as you say. Goodnight."

SpongeBob remained seated as the woman closed the door quietly behind her. Only then did he break down, allowing his body to shudder violently as he doubled over on the floor and sobbed into his fragile hands. He lay like this for hours, until all the tears had seeped out of his body and left him hollow inside. For the rest of the night, he lay on the ground and stared with wide-open eyes at the staircase across the room. Empty. Broken. Unable to move; unable to think. At the first streak of pink across the black sky, he finally sunk into sleep.

* * *

**A/N: In honor of my birthday, a chapter has been uploaded to your story.**


	8. And that was when

_Disclaimer: I do believe in fairies! However, I did not create _SpongeBob SquarePants. _Don't know if that has any relevance. _

**A/N: I just can't help myself! I have to write more.**

* * *

It was night when he awoke, the ocean around him frigid and black, and for a horrifying moment, Squidward was afraid that he had fallen back into the abyss. But as he looked around him – slowly because his temples were throbbing with the pain of bailing from a rampaging boat – he noted with relief a distant galaxy of city lights lining the horizon beyond him. Tears ran down his face, joyous overflow from the victory of making it out of the Mariana Trench alive. But as he lay there in the sand, he realized the war was far from over, and the darkness descended upon his spirit again. A sudden fright overtook him as he remembered his reason for going down there in the first place – SpongeBob's brain. He panicked, craning his neck in search of the little, brown cooler the doctor had given him for safekeeping. His heart rapidly overthrew his eyes, blinding him from the rest of the world with the blood of his dread. Then he saw it, lying on the ground a few meters away, and he scrambled to his feet. Rather, he tried to scramble, but only made it half a meter before he fell to the ground again, his body seized up in pain. It was then that he realized he hadn't gotten away from the crash as cleanly as he'd thought. Two of his legs had been badly lacerated while escaping, and one was definitely broken. All at once, the pain shot through him, and he wondered how he could possibly make it home in this condition.

_The box_, he remembered, and crawled over to it gingerly. He wrapped his arms around the cooler, afraid to open it and expose the brain to the elements, or worse – find that it had been damaged. Terrified at this thought, he quickly banished it from his mind, focusing instead on how he would get it back to where it belonged. He took several deep breaths in preparation for what he was about to do. Then Squidward pulled himself to his feet with a swift jerk, doing his best to stay off his broken leg and put as little pressure as possible on the cuts ones. But with only one good leg left, Squidward's hope began to ebb, and he soon abandoned the intention of minimizing his pain. Instead, he focused on making it to that slowly emerging stream of lights.

Tears streamed down his face, their salt mingling with the salt of the ocean, but he pressed on. His determination was strong – stronger than him – but it wasn't strong enough to keep him conscious all the way to the city, and about a mile from its limits, he collapsed and succumbed to rest.

* * *

SpongeBob couldn't go to work, couldn't even call someone to put up the CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE sign they had never used until his incident. The incident – that dreadful moment that shattered his world like a frag grenade, lashing out at everything around him, everyone he loved. He lay on the floor as he had all night, his breath choppy as it escaped his lips in short, jagged bursts, like the blade that had cut out his brain, cut out his heart. He barely gave a thought to the Krusty Krab – only considered it long enough to remember the last time he'd been there with Squidward – before the pain seared through him again like a hot, iron poker thrust into his chest. And then the tears were back, blazing down his cheeks like a fire trail, paving the road for some miraculous cure that would never make it home.

A knock at his door scattered his thoughts, and he lifted his head weakly. Evilene appeared before him, silhouetted in the glow of a jeering sun. Shutting the door behind her, she nearly tripped over him. "SpongeBob!" she cried, dropping to her knees beside him. "Have you been here all night?"

He made no attempt to speak, only gave a single nod. The star gathered him up in her arms, cradled him against her chest. "I went over to the Krusty Krab and put up the Closed sign for you. I figured you wouldn't want to go in today."

He closed his eyes in gratitude, then hid his face in her shirt. It was then that the tears began to flow again, or maybe they'd never ceased. He hadn't expected to cry in front of her, in front of anyone – he didn't want to share this pain, didn't want to hurt another. But Evilene – there was something about her. Maybe it was her unconditionally caring attitude, or how she wasn't afraid to hold him even though he was unstable, or maybe it was just her warm, steady presence – whatever it was, SpongeBob needed it, SpongeBob held onto it, tightly and without regard for anything else. His tears stilled, he fell asleep in her arms.

Evilene smiled slightly, stroked his forehead with her thumb. Once his breathing was deep enough that she knew he'd passed out, she looked over at the wall, at a picture of Squidward, and whispered, "I win."

* * *

The low buzz of florescent lights was the first signal to Squidward that he had ended up in a hospital yet again. His eyelids, crusted with the effort it took him to get this far, struggled open, strained to see past the blazing whiteness of the room. By the smell of sterility and the lack of noise, he knew he hadn't made it home. Still, he checked the room for any sign that SpongeBob might have come to his rescue. There were none, and Squidward rested his eyes once more.

It took his subconscious to remember the brown cooler before Squidward was willing to open them again. He didn't know how much time had passed – how or even if SpongeBob might learn of his whereabouts (his wallet had been lost with the boat), but at the moment, the question that dominated was _Where is the box?_

Spotting it sitting in a chair on top of what might have been his clothes, he relaxed and sank back into his pillow, his head feeling rather fuzzy. Was it the pillow? No, he realized, thinking back to when SpongeBob had been in the hospital; it was the pain medicine. The doctors there had told him about its effects – how it might make SpongeBob act strangely when he came to. But before he could think any further, a nurse glided into the room. She slipped him a kind smile and tapped her chart. "This chart is rather blank. Do you feel up to helping me fill it?"

Squidward nodded, immediately regretting it as his vision blurred, and he felt like he was going to fall off the side of his cot. He pressed a tentacle over his lips, but the nausea dissipated, and he looked up at the nurse. She gave him a sympathetic smile, "Try not to move too much – the morphine does that to a fellow. Have you ever been in a hospital before?"

"Yes," Squidward croaked, sending him into a fit of coughing.

The nurse handed him a cup of water. "I'll turn your meds down a little. I think they've got your drip too high."

"Thank you," he replied once he'd guzzled the water, his throat a little looser now.

"Alright, let's begin: What is your name?"

"Squidward Tentacles."

She jotted down the rest of the information he gave her until finally she asked, "Is there anyone we can contact to let them know where you are?"

"My fiancé," he replied, "SpongeBob SquarePants." He gave the woman his number, and she bowed out of the room with promise to make the call. Squidward was disappointed that he wouldn't get to talk to SpongeBob, but the stress that had been alleviated during his talk with the nurse suddenly came crashing down on him, and he passed out again.

* * *

_Ring. Ring. Ring._ "Hello?"

"Hello. My name is Nurse Angel. I'm calling from Aqua Marina Hospital on behalf of Squidward Tentacles."

A moment of silence on the receiving end. "Is he okay?"

"Yes, ma'am. He'll be just fine. He said his fiancé SpongeBob could be reached at this number."

"This is him speaking."

"I'm so sorry, sir. The connection must be bad."

"It's okay; I get that a lot. When will he be able to come home?"

"The doctor said he will be released within the week, but his leg is broken, and Bikini Bottom is a long way away. He will need a ride home."

"I'll be happy to get him. Let me give you my cell number – you can call me when he's ready to be released."

"Got it. It shouldn't take more than a few days."

"One more thing: please tell him I love him."

"Yes sir. I'll call you when he's ready."

"Thank you." Evilene hung up the phone. She perked up an ear as she heard the faucet upstairs shut off. With no time to plan, she blocked the number of the hospital from SpongeBob's phone, finishing just in time for the man in question to walk into the living room with a towel wrapped around his head. She smiled at him. "Feel better?"

"A lot, actually," he said, scratching the covered area of his skull. "I thought I heard the phone."

"It was mine. My lawyer wanted to remind me that the hearing is in an hour."

SpongeBob smacked his hand to his forehead. "That's right. You're getting divorced today."

The star nodded. "Will you be okay for a while? It shouldn't take more than a couple of hours max."

SpongeBob sighed. "I think I'll live." His face got very grim at that point, and he sunk to the couch as if lead had suddenly filled his kidneys.

"SpongeBob, if you really need me, I can do it over webcam. I won't have to leave – I'll just need to borrow your office for a while. Patrick won't like it, but I don't care much for his feelings anymore."

"We – I don't have an office. But I could take a nap while you do it at your house – you're just a few seconds away."

Evilene frowned. "SpongeBob, I don't live under the rock anymore. Patrick kicked me out, remember. I'm living with a friend on the other side of town."

"What? Why? It's not like Patrick is going to live there anymore."

"Right, but all of our mutual assets are under temporary hiatus until the trials. I was only allowed to take the essentials that are clearly mine."

SpongeBob frowned. "That's stupid. Will you get them back after today?"

Evilene shrugged. "It depends on how the court rules. But since it was Patrick's house long before I lived here, he'll most likely get it. The best I can hope for is that he'll let me keep all my jewelry and some of the furniture. Luckily, my boat was in my name, so I'll get to keep that. But I won't be living next to you anymore."

The sponge did not take this well, and his weary face sagged deeper than it had all day. Evilene knelt before him, cupped his cheek. This time, he did not pull away, and she savored the moment before saying, "Sponge, it'll be okay. I'll still be able to see you on the weekends, and if work goes well, sometimes during the week. I have no intention of leaving Bikini Bottom. But I should probably start looking for an apartment in town as soon as possible."

SpongeBob closed his eyes for a minute before saying, "You could stay here. I mean, I could always use another hand around the house. I know our schedules aren't ideal – me accepting the full responsibility of the Krusty Krab and you being a doctor – but at least at the end of the day, we'll have someone to come home to."

Evilene grinned, but cut herself short with a palm to the lips. She calmed herself. "Is that what you really want?"

SpongeBob hesitated before replying, "Yes. I want you to come live with me."

Evilene stroked his cheek, then retracted her hand. "Think about it while I'm gone. If you still are okay with it when I get back, then I'll accept. But I think you should give it more thought first." She stood then, grabbed her purse, and bid him goodbye.

* * *

**A/N: And now I must stop, for my roommate is trying to sleep, and I may be keeping her up.**


	9. I realized then

_Disclaimer: You remind me of a man. What man? A man who doesn't own SpongeBob SquarePants. Now we are in the same boat._

**A/N: I had my teeth cut out of my head so that I could feel the pain SpongeBob went through. The only downside was I had to recover before I could update this or any of my other fanfics, so I apologize for this belated update. Expect more soon.**

* * *

SpongeBob lay on his back on the bed, twiddling his thumbs and trying not to think about his late fiancé. Instead, he focused on his new relationship with Evilene, the woman with whom he had presumably cheated on the love of his life, but he tried not to think about that either. _Maybe it will be okay,_ he thought, _Maybe Evilene will help me heal. Maybe I was meant to be with her instead of…_ but he quickly dismissed that train of thought. Frustrated, he flipped over onto his stomach and stared at the lumpy planks on the floor. He let his eyes wander about the room. Bad idea. When they fell on one of the many photos of Squidward hanging on the walls, he faltered, and the tears came once again.

He slid out of bed and marched down the stairs, hoping to avoid another meltdown, but to no avail. Everywhere he looked, a token of Squidward reminded him of what he'd lost, and now of this crucial decision he had to make: whether to let Evilene move in with him. Yesterday she'd called from outside the courthouse and told him that she'd have to stay the night because they had yet to resolve the matter, and they'd need to reconvene the next morning. She told him she'd come back the next evening "to talk about things." And so he'd struggled with the choice for at least an hour that night before exhaustion overtook him and made him rest. He'd hoped he'd have a revelation in a dream, any sort of clue that would make this easier, but he hadn't. He had to toughen up, to grow up and accept responsibility, to make his own choices. It had never been hard before, so why was it now?

All this time he'd had between now and when he'd first given her the invitation had not pushed him either direction, and he was just as unsure now as he had been then. Disheartened, he looked up at a picture of his late fiancé, and beseeched it, "Oh, Squidward. What am I supposed to do? I know you'd want me to be happy, but how can I be knowing you'd never approve of this woman? I mean, it's not like I love her – I could never get over you so quickly. But I feel like…" he paused, took a deep breath, "I feel like she could help me. I feel like she knows me well enough to get me back on my feet." He stared at the photo in silence for a moment, then cried, "I don't have any other options! If I don't befriend her, then I'm all alone. I know you said Plankton and Sandy and Pearl are our family, but I feel so ostracized around them, like they blame me for Mr. Krabs's death. How can they be my anchor when I can't trust them? I need you. I need you so badly." He slammed his fist against the wall, resting his head just below the portrait. He sobbed softly beneath the frame. "I miss you. You were all I ever wanted, and now I've lost you. I'm sorry – I'm so sorry. I wish I'd never met her. I wish Patrick had never come back and I'd never gone to the field with Mr. Krabs and I'd never cheated on you. I'm sorry. Please, I'm so so sorry." He sunk to his knees, quivering and sobbing below the blank, lifeless eyes of the picture.

* * *

When Evilene arrived at the pineapple that evening, she had a lot on her mind. The Aqua Marina Hospital had called as she was preparing to return, and they'd informed her that Squidward was doing well enough that he would be ready to move in a couple of days. She'd told the nurse that she would make arrangements to come and get him, since he had taken their only car. The nurse had promised to call ahead of time to make it easier on her. Evilene had used the whole drive home to plot his final demise.

_I can't pick him up myself,_ she'd decided, _He'd know I was up to something as soon as he saw me. I'll have to call in a favor, someone who could pick him up and bring him to me outside of town. Then I'd take care of him myself. Big Cuda owes me that favor back._ Her only dilemma now: who could she trust that wouldn't tip him off? He knew SpongeBob didn't have a car to come get him, but he'd expect his fiancé to show up with whoever gave him a ride home. That was one hole she'd just have to leave unpatched. Obsessing over it would only make it more prominent. Hopefully, Squidward would be too drugged up to argue about it.

She shook her head as she pulled into the driveway, sweeping away those troublesome thoughts. Right now, she had someone much more important to worry about.

SpongeBob was waiting in the kitchen for her, a hamburger on either side of the table. It was a simple, unromantic set up, but it was a start. He smiled at her as she came to meet him. "I fixed you dinner. I hope you're hungry."

"I'm famished. Thank you." She sat down and took a sip from the glass in front of her.

He took the hint. "How did it go?"

"Alright. Patrick's getting the house, just as I knew he would, but I'm getting the furniture and all of the things that I bought. The real problem was the lawsuit."

"Lawsuit?" SpongeBob asked.

Evilene nodded, looking away as her cheeks reddened slightly. "I'm suing him for malpractice."

"Malpractice?" Then realization dawned on him. "Because of my brain."

"Yes. I told the judge how he had robbed you of your memories. Since his key piece of evidence against me was just that, he had no way to defend himself. As of today, Patrick is no longer allowed in Bikini Bottom."

SpongeBob stared at her in astonishment. "I don't understand. Shouldn't he have lost his license?"

Evilene nodded fervently. "Yes, he should have. But because of his revered reputation in the area, we made a deal that he could keep his license if he only practiced in that city, and he had to stay out of Bikini Bottom, particularly away from you. I took the liberty of getting a restraining order against him. I should have consulted you first, and I'm sorry I didn't, but in the heat of the moment, I wasn't thinking clearly."

SpongeBob scowled. "That's fine. I don't want that murderer coming anywhere near me. He's the reason Squidward is dead." His voice faltered on the name, but he managed to finish.

They ate in silence for a while before Evilene asked the question on both of their minds. "So, have you thought about it?"

SpongeBob locked eyes with his plate. Slowly, he answered, "Yes. Yes, I've thought about it. I've thought about it a lot." He paused before going on, but Evilene was patient, allowing him the time he needed. At last, he said, "I want you to move in."

Evilene's stomach flipped, and she asked in barely a whisper, "You're sure?"

He pried his eyes from the dish, meeting hers at length. "I'm sure."

* * *

**A/N: Abrupt ending is abrupt. Sorry for how short it is, but you know what that means? It means that the next chapter will be epic! Or at least I hope it will be...**


	10. (They realized then)

_Disclaimer: Only Bob can prevent wildfires. However, I cannot claim ownership of the rights to _SpongeBob SquarePants.

**A/N: Enjoy this psychotic use of my time.**

* * *

Squidward was far too excited to be stuck in bed right now. Nurse Angel had just given him the news that SpongeBob would be arriving soon to take him home. Upon request, she had given him a satchel to put the brown cooler in. She had also been kind enough to check on the brain for him, assuring him that it was indeed intact. Currently, he lay on his cot with this precious package nestled securely in his arms, dressed and anxious to leave Aqua Marina Hospital.

_Oh, SpongeBob,_ he thought to himself, _I wish you'd hurry up. I know it must take a while to find a ride willing to bring you all the way here and back, but that doesn't give you the right to keep me waiting._ He smiled to himself, picturing how his fiancé's face would look when at last they met again. SpongeBob would run into his room and take him in his arms and hold him until his ribs ached with the joy of reunion.

The only thing keeping Squidward from complete ecstasy was his accursed confinement to his bed. Because his legs were not fully healed, the doctors didn't want to risk allowing him to walk. They were sending with him all the paperwork Bikini Bottom General would need in order to complete his healing. Were it not for SpongeBob, Squidward would be content to stay at Aqua Marina Hospital for the remainder of his medical care. But Nurse Angel had told him that SpongeBob insisted on bringing him home as soon as possible, and so he relented.

As he sat in his bed, he pondered his fiancé's odd behavior. SpongeBob hadn't spoken to him at all, not even today as he lay in wait of his departure. _Perhaps he is too emotional,_ he reasoned, _and fears he will burst into tears if he hears my voice. I know I would._ But it mattered little, because soon his beloved would be there, and all his worries would disappear...

* * *

The pineapple was in utter chaos as SpongeBob and Evilene carried her things into the house. In every corner of the room, along every wall of the house, boxes upon boxes were piled to the ceiling.

SpongeBob grunted as he set down the last box. He looked at Evilene and implored her, "Where are we going to put all this stuff?"

Evilene straightened her back and stretched, rotated her shoulders and neck. Then she put her hand to her chin and pondered. "The back room would do, I suppose, unless you've filled it since last I visited."

SpongeBob gave her a skeptical look. "When have you explored my house?"

Evilene put her hands on her hips. "When we were _together_. At first, it was my place, but I started to suspect Patrick might be bugging the house. However, Squidward was here a lot, so we had other places, as well."

"What other places?" SpongeBob asked, his morbid curiosity outweighing his disgust.

Evilene opened her mouth to answer, but her phone rang, and she exited the room quickly to answer it. SpongeBob inwardly sighed in relief, then chastised himself for his big mouth.

Outside the pineapple, away from earshot, Evilene spoke with her inside man:

"You can get access to the hospital, right? Good. He should still trust you. Bring him to the edge of Rock Bottom. I will meet you there in an hour. I love you too."

Evilene reappeared in the living room and cast her new roommate an embarrassed smile. "That was my lawyer. Apparently some of the paperwork was done incorrectly, and they need me to go back and fix it."

SpongeBob frowned in disappointment. "Right now?"

Evilene sighed in mutual frustration. "I know, I know. But the longer I put it off, the longer I remain married to that murderer. You understand my rush, don't you?"

SpongeBob nodded. "Should I start moving these into the back room?"

Evilene answered with an indulgent smile. "Take a break, dear. I should be back in two hours, max. Relax, watch some television, make yourself a snack. I don't want to see one box moved when I return," she added with a lighthearted chuckle.

SpongeBob offered her his best attempt at a smile before she dismissed herself from his house – or _their_ house now, he reminded himself.

* * *

Squidward was starting to get worried when Nurse Angel popped her head into his room with a brilliant smile. "It's time!" she trilled.

Squidward was so excited that he had two feet on the floor before the nurse chastised him and whipped a wheelchair into his room. "Sorry," he grinned, his cheeks exposing his guilt, "I forgot."

She pointed a motherly finger at him in jest before smiling and reminding him once more, "Stay off your feet for at least one week, maybe more if the pain persists. You will need to change your cast after two weeks and keep that one on for three more weeks. Your other three legs should be ready to go in one week, so don't forget to exercise them daily if you want not to walk funny. Have SpongeBob cater to your ever need, but don't overwork the poor dear. And one more thing –"

"Angel!" he protested with a laugh, "I will be fine. SpongeBob will take care of me. You have nothing to worry about."

She pursed her lips, unconvinced. "I put your prescriptions in the satchel. Don't lose them. I will be calling Bikini Bottom General to make sure you filled them on time."

"I'll go as soon as I get home," he promised as she wheeled him down the hospital corridors. They stopped at the front desk to sign the release papers.

"I wish I could meet your dear SpongeBob," Nurse Angel lamented as they neared the doors.

Squidward furrowed his brow in confusion. "Why can't you?"

"Because he couldn't come to get you. He sent a friend instead."

"Friend?" Squidward asked. That's when he realized who had come with his two-seat, 500 seahorse-power, blue and silver sports boat to pick him up from the hospital and bring him home. "Patrick?"

* * *

**A/N: Le gasp! What does this mean? Do I know? Why aren't I answering?! **


	11. I loved him more

_Disclaimer: I do not own _SpongeBob SquarePants_. I do own Evilene, however. No, she's not an author insert. _

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. My brain went AWOL, and it took me a while to find it. **

* * *

Squidward sat in the passenger seat of Patrick's boat with his arms crossed, masking his disappointment with the irritation that the former barely outweighed. "He could have at least told me he wouldn't be coming himself."

"He would have if he could have, but I was the only person willing to help him, and my boat is a two-seater. SpongeBob asked me to convey his apologies."

They sat in silence for a while as the Hustler 41 Razor flew down the abandoned road at a speed Squidward was sure would buy Patrick at least a year in jail. But then, Patrick was more than capable of buying his way out. The rich could do as they pleased, so long as the law was paid off and the defendants were shut up.

At length, Patrick tried to begin a conversation. "I know you must be furious with me at the moment, but at least I gave you closure with your relationship with SpongeBob."

"No you didn't."

But Patrick persisted. "If you don't feel I deserve the credit, I understand. What matters is that you have it."

"I don't have it. I never made it to the doctor's house. I never got SpongeBob's brain back."

Patrick looked surprised. "You didn't? Then what is in the satchel?"

"My medication. I still have no clue whether or not SpongeBob cheated on me."

* * *

Evilene was getting restless as she sat in her boat parked behind a giant boulder where it would be safely hidden from view of the road. No more than ten meters behind her, the seabed dropped an astonishing 300 feet down a sheer cliff that fed right into Rock Bottom Prison, where anyone who survived the fall would immediately be devoured by the inmates therein. Her lips curled sinisterly as she imagined Squidward's broken body being ripped apart by the bulging, muscular arms of the savages deplorable enough to be sentenced to the harshest undersea prison this side of North America.

She tapped her watch irritably, cursing Patrick for taking so long to deliver the squid. She just wanted to get this part over with as soon as possible so she could get back to the pineapple and continue to move in with SpongeBob.

She lowered her head at the sound of a boat approaching from the distance, but realized such wasn't necessary once she'd recognized the distinct sound of the engine, how its insane speed sparked something like rage in the mechanical beast. She remained hidden as Patrick veered off the road and slammed to a stop, causing the unsuspecting Squidward to bang his head on the windshield.

"Ow!" he moaned, clasping a tentacle decorated with scrapes to his skull. "Why are we stopping?"

"My apologies, Squidward. I never meant for it to come to this, but we do what we must to thrive."

"What are you talking about?" he asked, still foggy from the drugs, and now also the headache.

"He's talking about me," Evilene announced, suddenly revealing herself.

"Evilene! What are you doing here? Where's SpongeBob?" Then his gaze shifted to the cliff behind them, and recognition brightened his eyes. "Rock Bottom?" And suddenly it all made sense: why Patrick had picked him up and SpongeBob had never spoken directly to him. "You. It was you on the phone the whole time."

Evilene smirked, delight shimmering in her eyes as if Hell itself reflected within. "Guilty as charged."

"But why are you working with her, Patrick? She's your ex-wife! She cheated on you with SpongeBob, and you're divorcing her for it."

"Divorced," Patrick corrected, and the two starfish displayed their lack of wedding bands. "Actually, I divorced her because she cheated on me with Eugene Krabs. SpongeBob is simply part of the aftermath."

"And now that we're divorced, I am free to screw whomever I choose," Evilene added. "Speaking of which, I have news for you. Your little _soul mate_ asked me to move in with him, and I accepted. In fact, we were in the process of unloading my things when Patrick picked you up."

Squidward scowled. "You're lying. SpongeBob would never –"

"SpongeBob already has. See for yourself." She tossed him an envelope, which he just managed to catch. "The evidence is inside." Instead of opening it, however, Squidward threw it into their faces and made a mad dash for the road. Evilene scowled and took off after him.

On a good day, Squidward might have been able to outrun her, since he had twice as many legs as she and was in better shape. But his recent trauma compounded with the lethargic drugs in his system made even walking difficult, and so he was easily overtaken by the woman. Forcefully, she jerked his arms behind him and pinned them to his back. "Don't be so naïve, Squidward. You should have known as soon as you left your house, you'd never see him again. It was by sheer luck that you escaped the Mariana Trench at all. But luck rarely shines on a person twice in so short a time, especially considering how swiftly your end approaches."

Squidward squirmed against her hold, but Evilene would not have that, and pressed her knee firmly into the one leg she knew was broken. He cried out in pain, yet his struggling did not cease. "You're a stubborn thing, aren't you? You must know this is futile, and yet you continue to fight. Why?"

"Because, unlike you, I have something to fight for: love. All you care about is money and power. You never loved SpongeBob; you just wanted to take him away from me. You can't stand the thought that someone could be happy while you're so miserable. Aah!"

Evilene stabbed her elbow into the gash on his back, causing it to bleed through his shirt. "You know nothing of my life. You don't know what I've been through, what I've lost to get this far. You don't know me."

"And he never will," Patrick said, getting out of his boat. He stooped down and helped Evilene drag their prisoner over to the edge of the cliff. Then, without any further delay, they pitched him over the side and to his death. They didn't get to watch him fall, since they had to back away from the bluff in order to maintain their balance. However, when they did peer down into the abyss, there was neither sight nor sound of the victim, and thus they were satisfied that he was dead for good this time.

At the edge of the darkness, clinging desperately to the rock face, Squidward looked up just in time to see them kiss.

* * *

**A/N: I will try to update quicker next time. Hopefully there won't be such a delay again.**


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